A Step Back
The recent suicide of yet another Marine I served with compels me to write this post. It’s a cliff-notes version of the concepts I describe in detail in my book, Continuing Actions, and I add them here in the hopes of reaching even one person suffering in silence.
Don’t Go It Alone
I’ve read an assload of books about PTSD and wrote two books detailing my own struggles with Moral Injury/PTSD that bestselling author and PTSD specialist Dr. Jonathan Shay hailed as valuable and important. In the end, I still needed to talk to someone and the Vet Center was there for me. Self-help is good, but don’t hesitate to talk to a pro.
The Negative Spiral
There’s a giant effing gap between being 100% ok and being all fucked up. Most of us fall in somewhere in the middle: We’re not actively self-destructing but are not doing as well as we could be. Thing is, those little niggling issues get worse if left unattended. They fester, grow, and spread to other parts of your life. We begin making poor decisions, cover up our pain, and push loved ones away. Our life enters an accelerating negative spiral where everything turns to shit and we’re left alone, hurting, and see death as an out. Does that sound like fun? Fuck no. So if you’re not doing as well as you could be yet keep telling yourself you’re okay, quick dicking around on the edge of the cliff and talk to someone. THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT TO RIDE THE NEGATIVE SPIRAL BEFORE GETTING HELP.
Getting Help is Your Duty
Getting help isn’t about you. Getting help is about being there for others. If you do the work to understand how past experiences are messing with your own life, you’ll be in a much better position to help others do the same. I don’t mean you’re gonna become a counsellor, although many Vet Center counsellors are veterans themselves. I mean that you’ll be better equipped to listen, really listen, to your buddy when she needs it the most. This is a situation where one person can literally be the difference between life and death. You would have, or maybe did, charge a machine gun to save your buddy’s life. This is no different.
Don’t Be An Ostrich
You don’t get to decide if you have PTSD, moral injury, or anything else. If it’s there, it’s there, and telling yourself it isn’t only sets you up for failure. Does ignoring a suicide bomber protect you from the blast? Nope. If you’ve got a little c-4-vested bastard sneaking around inside you, it’s best to take him out before he gets close enough to mess you up.
Time Doesn’t Heal Everything
PTSD, Moral injury, and a laundry list of other things don’t go away on their own. Ignored, they fester and grow. Even when you address them, they don’t go away completely. They’re part of us and the only choice we get is how much influence they’re going to have in our lives. Ignore them and they grow into monsters. Address them and you take away their teeth.
It doesn’t matter if you’re still serving, came home yesterday, or waded ashore in DaNang wearing a white T-shirt under your cammies: If you’re not operating at 100%, figure out why and do the work to fix it. Your buddies, family, and friends will thank you for it.
Looking for a place to start? Try the Veterans Crisis Line
Thanks for reading, and keep taking care of each other.
Semper FI Sir….. God bless you and our brothers in distress.
I am a Veteran, but my conflicts came from volunteering as a Firefighter. Took a huge self destructing downward spiral. Twice i was at that point of no return. I have been sober now for four years thru a divine intervention and an ultimatum. I was picked up in the Veteran world and was taught self healing thru crisis intervention work. Still have bad days but not like in the past. Thank you for what you do.
God Bless
So glad to hear you’ve found a good place, Chris. The bad days still come around, like you said, but once you know how to manage them, they lose some of their bite. Keep pushing on.
Best wishes,
Dan
Nice write up Dan. Seems like just yesterday we were on that 13th MEU deployment together responding to the bombing of the USS Cole. Hard to wrap my head around the fact that it was 20 years ago now. Time flies.
Now 10 years into retirement from the Corps, I find a lot of comfort just reaching out to all those I served with over the years. Even if it’s just a little touch, it keeps me connected. While on active duty, we had a sort of built in support network around us. When I retired and started my civilian career, all that vanished. It was a little overwhelming at first and took some getting used to. I hope all those struggling know they can reach out to me any time.
You are making a difference by writing this blog. I will read your book.
Keep up the good work!
Semper Fi Brother
–Growler
Great to hear from you, Growler! Funny how time flies like that. I agree–a text or a quick email from time to time goes a long way toward staying connected. Best part about friendships forged in the service is that they require very little maintenance. Years go by without any contact, but one text or email and you’re back in tight. Thanks for reading the blog and my book, and I look forward to any feedback.
S/F,
Shoe
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, Dan. It’s a little glow of good in the world to know that you and your readers continue to support and help each other get through the struggles. It’s a shit story to know that you have to, and I wish–with all my heart–that it wasn’t so. Thank you for sharing your hurts so that others can feel brave enough to share theirs and reach out for help. I am here anytime if my voice will help.
Thanks Ali. Your voice always helps. Always has.
“SHOE”,
Once again you provide sound advice. I was one of those guys in a white t-shirt 52 years ago in Quang Nam. -Hah!
You just made me aware of the concept of moral injury. Always learning.
I have had a case of survivor’s guilt going back to my first Vietnam tour with 1/5.
In addition to your two excellent booka, “ACHILLES in VIETNAM” is terrific for getting in touch with your own angels and demons at the same time you understand your Brothers better
Remember that I am always there for my generations of Marines and for those of you young guys I know through Young Jim and the COUNT.
Strength and Honor,
Jim
Thank you, Sir. Not only for your kind comments here, but for adopting all of us from the “Loco Ocho” as if we were your own sons. Having you as a mentor and sounding board through the challenges of life after Iraq has been invaluable. You continue to lead from the front and I am beyond grateful for your support.
Semper Fi,
Shoe
Great write up Sir. It was nice talking to you the other day. Having fellow Marines that I’ve been to combat with take their own lives hurts every single time. It causes me to take a long hard look in the mirror and take an inventory of myself.
Great chatting with you, too. I think that’s a very healthy thing to do, Jason. While the shock of losing a buddy sometimes prods us to take stock of our own situation, that sort of self-inventory should become a standard part of our routine. Treat it like a debrief, or an after-action review, and honestly assess how well you’re dealing with life. If something’s not right, catch it here and make adjustments before it begins to spiral. I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but don’t wait for another tragedy before establishing a healthy habit of self-awareness.
S/F Brother,
Dan
Jason and Dan,
Dan knows I’m a Vietnam ’68 and ’72-’73 0302 Marine and ’91 ODS as well. Jason, it is beyond heartbreaking after all we’ve gone through to save our Brothers to learn of a Marine or any Veteran losing his life to despair. When people ask me for combat stories I go to the incidents where my decisions directly saved Marine’s lives, at least for another day. At the Grunt level, it is so dangerous, every day, and so many don’t get that. Your experiences as COBRA Warriors is as close as I can imagine. But we all “rolled the dice”. My TBS Class -November ’68 lost 13 KIA and no idea how many WIA, but certainly most of us.
As an Olde Boy, think about this- Jason, don’t look in the mirror too hard. If SHOE respects you that’s good enough for me. So, just continue to be the best Man and Marine you can be. That will be more than enough.
Semper Fidelis,
Jim
First I am sorry for your loss. I see this blog and I am grateful for your honesty. From a Marine spouse whose life changed forever from loving a Marine fiercely with PTSD ,who at the time I felt had no place to turn, our family had no real place to turn, i want to say how important it is to talk openly about this subject and the mental ravages of combat on those who serve and their families. I hope things are better now, there is more support and understanding for both the Marine and their families ( I believe other services were doing a better job at this a few years after Iraqi Freedom started) once they return from combat. My husband at the time served in the first part of the conflict you served in and our military and social services were not ready for our veterans when they came home. He literally just walked through our door and as a senior officer, he nor I could show any chinks in our armor, we were setting an example and it ended up being a poor one to “Marine On” not without empathy or support for those in our unit we knew were suffering, because we did, but we were also suffering. Each story is a personal one and I in the past have shared mine with you. I do believe that with Intentional intervention, my family and my former spouses life outcomes would have been different. I agree the service member should seek help, but I think that is hard while still serving and once things begin to unravel or they leave the service it is hard to push them to take some assistance. Do I think it would have healed him, no but maybe we could have addressed the reality of PTSD, come out of the closet if you will, got help without judgement and had a better future for all of us. What brave souls go into battle, then get up the next day to go into battle again, get sent on the 2nd and 3rd deployment to serve our country. We need to not just honor but help them with what we know is often the outcome mentally from combat and also help their families as well.
Thank you very much for your comment, Jeanne. You bring up a great point and I hope the military’s perception on treating PTSD is evolving from something that only affects some veterans into a basic requirement post-combat. I see that as the best possible outcome from the continuing fallout from OIF/OEF.
Thanks brother, sage words and advice.
-Punchy
Cheers Punchy, hope you are well.
SF,
Shoe